Photo credit: 程岩峰
Note from Kuang:
我碰到邬老先生的时候，他正买好东西从超市慢慢往外走，他的腿行动非常不便，整个人几乎是趴在拐杖上，靠着拐杖往前挪。超市的工作人员说，他们隔一两个月才会见到这个老人一次，有时候太久不来，他们会猜测老人是不是已经不在了。
I met Wu when he was walking out of a small grocery store, his whole body leaning on his walking stick, barely able to move his legs. The grocer said she sees the old man only once every month or two. Sometimes, when it’s been too long, people start to wonder if he might have passed away without anyone knowing.
Male, 86 years old, from Sichuan, a retired veteran
I’ve been in Beijing for nearly 40 years, and I very much regret it.
My family was pretty rich when I was young, we had a big house with over 30 rooms. But misfortune didn’t spare me— my mother died when I was only a few years old, leaving me to be raised by my grandmother and my uncle’s wife.
My father served as a military officer for the Kuomintang. When I was about 12 years old, he was taken away to a prison, and he died there. I have two elder brothers, and they both fled to Taiwan right after my father passed. They couldn’t come back until decades later after China opened up cross-strait travel.
I joined the army after I turned 15, and for a few years I served as one of Deng Xiaoping’s personal guards. He has a sharp mind, but he’s very short. When he stood together with other officials, he only reached their shoulders. During the time I served Deng, I got to see many then top state officials, like Liu Bocheng and Fu Zuoyi.
I fought in several battles during my service in the army, including the historical Huaihai Campaign, where the Communist Party battled against the Kuomintang.
At one point, the two armies were separated by only about 50 to 70 meters. In the Kuomintang ranks, I instantly recognized my eldest brother in the Kuomintang forces. He wore an officer’s uniform in charging of commanding their troops. He recognized me too, his little brother from all those years ago, grown up and serving in the army of the opposing side. We didn’t get the chance to say a single word to each other despite being only a few meters apart, and after so many years. It was simply not allowed.
I was dismissed from the army at 21. Because I only had four years of education in primary school, I didn’t get a job placement as a veteran. I was sent back to the countryside.
Think about it, my family background included landlords and military officers—two hats you don’t want to wear. Because of these two hats, my life was more difficult than usual. I was sent down for farming every day. Worse, most of the time we were working in the rice paddies, with water rising up to our knees. During the planting season, it was common to soak in the water for 20 to 30 days. My knees were badly damaged from that kind of work. After I got a little older, my legs stopped working right; and now I can hardly walk.
I had a wife back in Sichuan. She was a teacher for a local primary school. When I was 49, my eldest brother returned to the mainland to work in the bureau of commerce. He suggested I come to Beijing where he could arrange some work for me.
I thought moving to Beijing would be pretty good, and I divorced my wife to join my brother. He tapped his network to get me work in the bureau of commerce. But it wasn’t like I got a good position though. I was doing a string of odd jobs like wrapping packages and some other small tasks.
I got remarried in Beijing. My second wife was a widow. Her husband drowned in Beijing’s City River. He had gone out with their three children. When they were walking past the river, the elder daughter somehow fell in. She was only eight years old and couldn’t swim. He jumped into the river to save his daughter, but he couldn’t get out himself.
My wife and I didn’t have our own children after getting married. All of my kids are stepchildren. We never got too close to each other. There’s always some sort of distance. We didn’t have too much to say to each other either.
I worked for the bureau of commerce for ten years until I retired in my sixties. I wasn’t officially employed, so I only have a monthly retirement pension of about a thousand kuai. Besides that, my son gives me 500 per month, and my second daughter gives me a thousand or two sometimes. Altogether it’s just about enough.
My wife passed away last year. Now that she’s gone, the daughters rarely visit me. My son lives in the 14th compound just one block away. He visits me once a month. Ah, but what’s to complain about, not like there’s a big reason to visit.
My health started deteriorating last year. I often feel dizzy and my eyesight’s getting worse. I live on the third floor, so my knee problem makes it very difficult for me to go anywhere. So I only go out about once a month to buy some necessities.
What’s my daily life like? Well, I get up between seven and eight, wash my face and rinse my mouth, then I cook myself something to eat. After eating, I sit down to listen to the radio. I’ll take a long nap when I feel like it, and then I cook myself some noodles around three o’clock. Old folks don’t eat solid foods. I usually sit and watch TV the rest of the day, until I feel sleepy again.
I like to listen to things about wars on the radio. They really take me back to my youth. But the radio doesn’t have much, and it’s all fake news on the TV.
What life is all about? If you ask me it’s completely meaningless. During my whole life, there were only a few years in my youth when I felt happy and alive, the rest is all bitter memories. And now here I am, old and useless, waiting for King Yan to take me.
Ay, all the stories I can tell are of hard times. If you’d like to hear more, come visit me in room 302, building 11. If you ring the doorbell, I’ll hear and let you in.
Edited by David Huntington
86岁，男，姓邬，祖籍四川，退休军人
我来北京快四十年了，真后悔来北京呐。
我们姓邬的当时是大家族，家里前前后后三十几间屋子。但是我命苦，才几岁的时候，母亲就生病走了，我是伯娘和祖母带大的。
我父亲是国民党的军官，我十一二岁的时候，他被抓去劳改，死在牢里。我家里还有大哥二哥，父亲一死，他俩都离开家逃去台湾。打那一走，直到几十年后两岸开放，允许互相来往了，他俩才回大陆探亲。
我十五六岁参军，给邓小平当过警卫员，保护他的安全。他头脑灵活，但是个子矮，跟其他国家领导人站在一起只到肩膀高。我给他当警卫员的时候，经常见到各种大官，刘伯承，傅作义，都见过。
我打过几次仗，其中就有淮海战役。淮海战役的时候，国共两党军队大概就是隔了个50到70米。在国民党的军队里，我一眼认出了我大哥，他当时已经是军官，在指挥战役。他也认出我了，看见他当年的小弟弟，也已经参军，和他是对头。战场上是不能认亲的，我们兄弟俩个，几年没见，隔着几十米的距离，愣是没有相认。
我21岁退伍，因为才国小4年级的文凭，退伍的时候没有分到一官半职，就是遣散回原籍。
你想啊，我家庭成分太不好了，又是地主又是军阀，两顶帽子戴着。因为这两顶帽子，我吃了很多苦，天天被分配去干农活。
南方水田多，我们干活，从脚到膝盖都泡在水里。碰到插秧的季节，接连在水田里泡二三十天是常有的事。我的膝盖就是这样在水田里生生泡坏的，年纪稍微大点，我的腿脚就不行了，走不动路。
我在农村娶了一个老婆，她念了个高小毕业，在村里当小学老师。我49岁的时候，我大哥从台湾回来了，在商务部上班。他让我来北京，说可以给我安排工作。
我想着能在北京挺好啊，就跟我老婆好聚好散离了婚，来了北京。我大哥把我安排在商务部的一个部门打工，干些杂活，帮忙打包什么的。
我跟我老伴就是在北京结的婚。她也是二婚，头一个老公是在北京的护城河里淹死的。他带着三个孩子出门，路过护城河的时候，大闺女不知道怎么掉水里头了，才七八岁，也不会水，他去救他闺女，结果自己没能起来，淹死了。
我跟我老伴结婚之后才转成北京户口。我俩没另外再要孩子，闺女跟儿子都不是我亲生的，我们关系不咸不淡，总是有点距离感，平时也没什么话说。
我在商务部干了十年，到60岁退休，我不算正式员工，没多少退休工资，现在一个月领千把来块钱。除开退休金，我小儿子一个月给我500块钱生活费，二女儿有时候也给个一千两千的，凑合着刚好能过。
我老伴是去年走的。她一走，大闺女二闺女就很少过来了，我小儿子住在14区，隔条马路，一个月过来看我一次。嗨，平时也没什么事，来不来的都这样。
我身体一直还算硬朗，从去年开始，会时不时头晕，眼睛也花。我住三楼，膝盖不好，一般不出门，难得出来一次，就把需要的东西一次性多买点。
我每天的生活是什么样的？早上七八点起床，洗漱之后给自己做点吃的，吃完饭听一会儿收音机，听困了再睡一觉。下午三点左右，再煮点面条吃，老人家吃不了硬食。吃过之后就是坐着看电视，看到犯困了再去睡。
听收音机我就爱听关于以前打仗的事，听着我就能想起年轻的时候，可是收音机里什么消息也没有，电视上也都是假新闻。
你问我人生有什么意义？要我说人生什么意义都没有。我只在年轻的时候过了几年好日子，一辈子都是苦过来的。现在老了没用了，就等着阎王爷来把我带走了。
阿呀，我这一生可以说是很坎坷了，你要是愿意多听听，我住11号楼302，你按楼下的门铃，我听见就会给你开门。
Kuang is the founder of Beijing Lights. She would love to hear your thoughts about the column and is open to new collaborations. She can be reached at kuang@spittooncollective.com.